When I turned thirty, it was hard. I was told that thirty is the new twenty so it made me feel a little better. But not much. In just a few days I will be turning thirty-two. Today, I felt that feeling come back again, that said, “Hey, you’re getting older but your not getting any closer!” Closer to what you may ask.
You see when we’re at those pivotal ages like 18 or 21 or were starting something new in our life we get asked that wonderful question.
Where do you see yourself in five years, in ten years.
Well, ten years ago I was playing in a really cool band called Lyrical Jenius. We were playing quite a bit and working on a second cd. My future looked like I was gonna be on stage the rest of my life and the crowds would just get bigger and bigger as the years go by. People would look at me and ask questions cause I was well into having plenty of experience in the music world and living the dream of a rock star. Or about as big a dream gets being a Christian rock star.
Today, I am a worship leader playing in a venue that allows people to fight for fun and the crowds are as small as they get. I make very little money and I’m not sure whether people look to me for answers and want my autograph. I’m not saying that I don’t enjoy where I am at but I look back at where I was and wonder where did the road fork at? How did I get from the road of becoming a rock star to the road of becoming a servant, from the road of becoming somebody to the road of ‘who is that guy?’
I see on t.v. that 90% of all the stars on there are way younger than I am. Most all sports players are younger than I am. I’m almost to my 20 year reunion from high school and I’m thinking where was that fork. And why didn’t I see it coming when it did.
I am happy with where I am at but this is not what I visualized ten years ago when asked where would I be. It’s hard to say if I would change anything. But I think there are some things I would change. I would have probably tried harder to seek out the music business. I would have followed my dream even though they did have high costs.
But now, I wonder. Where am I gonna be in ten years. My dream has changed. It’s no longer the rock star but the servant star. I want to be full-time ministry so I can serve more than I do. I want to be playing in front of a thousand worshipers because I know when I step off that stage, they are not asking for my autograph. People will ask me questions like, why do you care about me so much? What’s in it for you to do for me? I am the one asking questions like, “What can I do for you off the stage?”
But I’m getting older and I don’t like it. Every year that passes, I see myself close to the age of not being able to lose weight, having a flabby neck, wrinkles on my face, wearing converse shoes cause it’s the only thing that makes me cool with the kids. I look at washed up musicians playing wherever they can and I think to myself, if not already there, I’m only ten years away from that. Where will I be in ten years? Looking back I’m sure doing the exact same thing I’m doing now. Trying to put my thoughts together on getting old and trying to make sense of my crazy mumblings.
Somebody tell me you will love me when I’m older and I have nothing to give. For my fingers will hurt too bad to play guitar. My mind will forget too much to remember your name of the lyrics to a song. My back will hurt too much to help you move something. My feelings will hurt too much because kids will call me old and washed up and crazy.
Yep. I’m turning 32.
