It’s a Wednesday night at 12:30. I thought I would relieve my mind before I hunkered in for a nap and have to get up to go to work. Today I had the opportunity to listen to one of my favorite worship podcast “All About Worship“. On the podcast they had guest Carlos Whittaker. I like me some Los.
I love reading his blogs but today I got rather depressed. I try not to envy or covet or desire what I do not have but I let that spirit take me over today as I listened to the podcast. Here’s a guy that never set out to be a recording artist, a famous blogger, or even a well know worship leader. But he has made it to that point. He even mentioned on his podcast that it’s not a glorious position that every one thinks it is. Living out of a suitcase and not seeing his family all that much. Yeah I can see that.
But where my jealousy came into play was not necessarily wanting to know what it is like to live out of a suitcase, but rather the fact I have set out to be a blogger with every bit of two people even caring to read my blogs. I’m figuring I’m just not that interesting. I have set out to be a great worship leader. I’ve always wanted to be the one helping other worship leaders excel in the position of leading others to Christ by doing worship retreats and conferencess. I have set out to being a recording artist only to watch my dreams slip out from under me as I watch band member choose other things beside our music and to watch all I have tried to build up fall before me. Carlos has achieved what I couldn’t.
Now before you get all religious on me, I know that God plays a HUGE role in all things happening. So when I say I built up or I… I… I… don’t get all bent out of shape and say that I tried it without God cause that is not the case. However, I have given it my best shot and I am now watching other people take on my dreams. I was talking to Carrie (my wife) the other day and I told her that it makes me nauseous to know some folks can pick up a guitar and one year later they’re signed to a record deal.
I sit and ask God where I have I screwed up that your not blessing me like that. That’s the desire of my heart but it seems as Bryan White sang once before, I must be wishing on someone else’s star. This isn’t rally a pity party as much as it is an admission to my jealousies and envies. It isn’t a pity party as much as it is a confession that I too ask God why.
I’m not really complaining about where I am at in life. I love what I’m doing. I’m just questioning how come others are getting to do what I’ve always wanted to do and I’m having to “work” with what sometimes seems very little rewarding. I don’t like having to crawl under houses for hours on end fighting spiders and snakes and anything else that resides in the confines of darkness under houses.
I want to minister. I want to have time to have lunch with a friend that’s hurting. I want lead authentic worshipers in worship and lots of em too. I want to travel to see where God is working in all places on earth and not just one.
But let me say I am excited about where God has me at working with the church that I do. As a matter of fact, all I’m saying is I want to do it more!
You know more than I do that God would say that he has his own plan for you. If God does not want you to be a famous musician or blogger, then he must have other plans for you. I think it is to spread his word and bring people to God. I think that is your true calling and the thing that you should pursue the most. You know if Brant Tillery can do it, you can probably do it better,
The hard part is succumbing to that. Because I see people doing what I’ve always wanted to do which if God gives us the desires of our heart, it’s easy feel like God is not being honest to his word.
And I don’t think that’s the case but it’s real easy to feel that way.If He wants me to be a simpleton on spreading the gospel, fine then. But He better get ready for alot of huffing and puffing